The asphalt crunched under my heavy footsteps. My back was bent and weighed down by my school bag, but my head was bowed with tension. As I turned round the corner, my home came into view. Second apartment on the third floor of the yellow building. I sighed. I knew that she was waiting there inside, thinking up ways of insulting me and humiliating me. I had told mom before, that I didn’t like to be left alone with her, but mom had told me to ignore her, telling me that she couldn’t do me any harm. But mom couldn’t understand that this woman awaiting me at home could do anything to me. This woman was insane and could harm me mentally if not physically. But mom had refused to stay at home because of her job.
I unlocked the door and pushed it open. Before stepping inside, I stomped my feet on the ground to knock off the excess dirt. Entering, I took off my shoes and put down my heavy bag on the clean, cold, white tiled floor. All the small lizards who had been partying there all day scurried away feeling my heavy footsteps. Closing the door behind, I turned to her. Yes, she was there. Trying to block her out, I casually walked to the sofa and slumped onto it. Taking off my socks one by one, I rubbed the iching reddened parts of skin.
‘How are you?’ She asked in a silky smooth voice, with no attempt to hide the sly tone.
‘I was better before seeing you.’ I replied boldly, though I was trying to ignore her.
‘So does that mean you were happy when the boy you like ignored you today? You were fine when that pretty girl rolled her eyes at you?’ She asked, her voice getting sweeter with every word.
‘I said I was better, far better before seeing you, I didn’t say I was happy.’
‘Oooooh…’ She cooed. ‘I’m so sorry to have ruined your “better” mood, but I can’t help it, can I? When you are alone, it’s quite alluring and I can’t resist myself.’
‘I can see that.’ I muttered under my breath.
‘It’s really nice when you have nothing to do, nothing to think about and nothing to worry about. Then I can occupy all of you.’
I could feel her smiling.
‘I have other things to do. You’re wrong. I have work to do. And you can’t occupy all of me.’
‘Don’t lie dearest. You know as well as I, that you are a good for nothing. You can have nothing to do.’
‘Of course I have!’ I argued. I could feel hot blood rushing through my veins.
‘Whom are you lying to?’
My heart skipped a beat and my throat tightened at that. Whom was I lying to? I could feel a piercing feeling in my head as my stomach tightened at the harsh truth.
‘What do you do after returning from school? You check your phone for texts from your friends, hoping they care for you, hoping they feel that you are worth their time. But don’t you really know that these “friends” have friends which are really their friends? Don’t know understand that when you see no notifications or texts awaiting your response?’ She continued in a slow, slithering pace.
I had no reply to that. I knew it was true…..
‘And after you have checked for texts, you open your blog, to see if someone has read that shit that you write. Oh my, I don’t even know how someone can manage to write things so boring and worthless! And as usual, no one thinks that your “stories” are worth reading. But you still hope….. Hope that someone will!’
The truths were starting to devour me. I wanted to talk back, I wanted to stop her. But how could I deny the truth? My eyes were stinging and were brimmed up with tears.
‘You don’t give up, do you? Then you try to draw something. I don’t know why you spend so much money on charcoal, colours and brushes. They all go to waste. You know you can’t draw, but still you don’t stop from torturing the eyes of the viewer, do you?’
I knew my eyes would burst out any moment now. I could feel my tightened lips trembling and chin quivering in anger. My eyes were squeezed in rage. I clenched and unclenched my fists, trying in think of an answer. I looked at her, now trying to face her with courage. She looked so much like me; the same brown hair, the dark small eyes, the round face and heavy figure. But she had a shrewd look in her, and definitely more confidence. Her small dark eyes had a strange glint that I never had. She also looked happy, pleased with herself. Her tongue was sharper than the sword and never failed to hurt me.
‘At least, I don’t give up.’ I managed through gritted teeth.
‘Huh! Why will you? You don’t understand that nothing is gonna work for you. Tell me,’ She leaned towards me from her armchair, her legs crossed, her elbows resting on her thighs and chin cupped in her palms, ‘don’t you understand you are utterly useless? I mean, you can’t do anything and no-one needs you.’ She said matter-of-factly.
‘Who are you to tell me so?’ I tried to fight back, refraining from strangling her.
‘You know who I am.’ She said, rolling her eyes. ‘And,’ She added wide eyed, ‘You know I’m right. Don’t,’ She squinted her eyes, sat back and waved her right hand casually at me. ‘Don’t lie to yourself honey.’
I was lost. I didn’t have anything to say. I was lost in my mind. I was lost in dispair and self-loathing. Why was I hating her? I couldn’t deny anything she was saying. I had to admit to myself, she was right.
‘I know. I know who I am. I know, trust me. But why do you need to remind me of this everyday?’ I tried to hide the pain and tears. I gulped down a sob, but I knew she could tell from my agonized expression that I was admitting to her.
‘Cause you don’t stop trying.’ Her face was unreadable. ‘Even though you will always be a loser.’
I shook my head, my eyes squeezed shut and lips pursed.
‘Why don’t you leave me?’ I screamed. My open mouth quivered and I started sobbing. I was furious.
‘How can I? I can’t go unless you drive me out of yourself. I’m only a part of your mind.’ She smiled craftily, knowing her place in my head was permanent. She would live till I die.
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